Checking In On Yourself

When I was in elementary school, I always used to have the bad habit of keeping everything bottled in. It was the only way I knew how to temporarily forget my problems and pain. And though it might’ve worked when I was a little girl, that’s not the case now. Later on, in high school, it only made my future self worse. This ultimately ruined my self-esteem and confidence, spiking my depression and feeding my anxiety.

And of course, I had to deal with much more intense emotions and issues as I got older. I lost the motivation to live life. I felt like I was a walking corpse. Even though I still woke up every day and did what I had to do which was homework, sports, and socializing, I was on autopilot. My body only wanted to rest, but my brain understood that it could never stop working. I guess that’s something on the bright side because if my brain allowed me to keep going, I truly wasn’t done and wasn’t ready to give in.

Until I did. I knew I had lost all hope when I finally committed to killing myself. After I failed, I became so disappointed. This was the hole that was extremely hard to get out of. I couldn’t face my problems. I simply became my pain. I lugged myself around, a mass of a body with no emotions or too many emotions.

One thing that still surprises me today is how GOOD I was at hiding everything from everyone around me. It was when I was alone that I let myself go. We all know what happens when we keep our demons contained. They escape. They explode. Or implode.

This was the cycle I couldn’t get myself out of. I’d contain contain contain, and eventually, everything I was feeling would spiral. All because I didn’t know how to open up to anyone not even myself. I judged myself for how I felt and because I did, I thought others might too.

Without even knowing I became my own enemy. I did everything to myself. I self-sabotaged. I found ways to always make it worse for me. I got too used to the pain that I wanted myself to bathe in it every single day.

And what did I do to try and fix what I was feeling? I ran away… to college. To forget. To restart. And it was the best damn decision I made… until it wasn’t. This worked out for a couple of months, and then suddenly everything from my past flooded back to me. And I wasn’t ready to deal with it.

I have never felt as toxic as I did then. This was because I was so pissed. I kept asking myself, why won’t my problems go away? Why me? What’s wrong with me?

I pushed a lot of people away and I’ve lost some really fucking amazing best friends because I chose to isolate myself rather than to be comforted in a way I’ve never been comforted and wasn’t open to.

Eventually, the hate that I was feeling turned into sadness. Deep sadness. Sadness that felt like it lasted thousands of years. However, that’s what bought me back to myself. I was able to be gentle with myself and let my feelings ride out the waves. I became so cautious of everything I was going through. I no longer had blurred vision.

I slowly healed myself with reflection. To my roots of writing. This seemed to be the only way I was capable of understanding myself. The healing process took me a while, and it was a struggle but I was able to let go of so much that I was holding in.

I wanted to write this piece because I just accomplished a milestone in my life, graduating from a university and since being back home I haven’t exactly felt like I’ve succeeded. In actuality, I’ve felt really out of sync with myself. Everyone’s been asking me what I’m going to do next, but I never took a breath to stop and ask myself how I feel about achieving what I just did.

To that, I say, I’m incredibly fucking proud of myself for making it this far because I know for sure past Juliette definitely wouldn’t believe it.

I did this all on my own. I mean I had help along the way for which I’m very grateful, BUT I’m the one who helped myself get across the finish line. Now, more than ever, I am allowing myself the time and space to get myself right before I officially get back into the game, whatever that may be.

Before we can help others, we must allow ourselves.

So I please ask that you check in with yourself. Whether that’s in the form of meditation, yoga, writing reflection, or anything else. Be kind and gentle to yourself. Really FEEL your feelings before you decide they're not worth your time to invest in and solve.

With love,

Juliette <3