My Experience with Being Happy.

Happy. Happy. Happy. Where is my happiness? My mind and self were glued to the idea of trying to find my happiness in the world. I tried over and over to be happy. But happiness was always there. I never knew it at the time. I was too busy trying to discover it, to feel it, grab it physically. Almost like it was a power-up in real life.

I wanted to have it in my hands. Every word you can think of, I felt. I craved, manifested, desired, obsessed, wished, hoped, waited for it to appear out of dust into my life. Because I beat myself up a lot for not being happy how I saw others be happy, it triggered disgust and hate for everything. I managed to drag myself to a hole next door to a construction site, right behind an anxiety-producing factory that plans to merge with a building that never has any light. None of those sound pleasant, do they?

Well, that’s what the opposite of happiness is when you push yourself too hard to have happiness. The biggest problem is you will never find happiness, so the hole is endless and the nightmares alongside it never go away. I’m still young, extremely young. I’m twenty, turning twenty-one this year. And I’m barely understanding this word we heard from such a young age. Why is it that so many people suffer from simply not being happy? Why can’t we just be happy?

Feeling happy is different from being happy. At least, in my defense. Feeling happy is usually for an acute period of time. As is any other emotion. But being happy with yourself and life for a constant time in your life feels amazing. Reaching the summit of a mountain is how I would describe it best.

Okay, I realize I may be getting ahead of myself. My relationship with the word happy was never any good until I got to the point where I understood to stop looking for it. Getting back to living is what should make me happy, right? Although it didn’t in the beginning, I eventually got there. I sure took a lot of time to myself to think everything through. I had to start from scratch about what I believed and wished for my world.

Sometimes I have my moments and I fall. That’s common. There is no perfect way. That’s also something I had to tell myself. Because I believed so much in perfectionism. I can be happy if I allow myself to be happy. And not think about being happy. Just be happy! It’s never good to think too much, but it’s good to think just enough.