Beginning a Spiritual Journey

Hello, Lovelies

Today I’m going to talk, in detail, about my transformation and extreme mental shift from starting my spiritual journey. Before I started this path, I hadn’t really thought about a system of beliefs that I actually cared deeply about, and which inspired me to always move forward. I grew up learning Catholicism, but I was so young, and when I grew up I grew apart from that part of me that wasn’t really for me.

Let’s time jump to high school. I’m enjoying the REAL freedom I had not yet realized was complete freedom and stress-free living. Though I was extremely depressed at the time. I didn’t have a system of positive thinking to fall back on. Nothing I believed could help me get out of my darkest experience. I had lost all hope. I came up with my own personal belief that there was no point in life.

The truth is my world was very small and what I thought of it back then should have never ever made me feel the way it did. If only I could have visited my younger self and helped. But repeatedly I kept on with the same exact sentence any time any inconvenience followed me. “There is no point.” I had a hard time grasping good things coming into my life. If anything in the world was starting to feel different or was reaching my discomfort zone (for the better) I’d quickly hit my defense mechanism button and hide under my blankets for what felt like an eternity (or what I wish it would have lasted).

High school was kind of a touch and go for me. I did have fun, but most of the time I spent it in my head with doubts and fear which highly affected my perspective on the “real world” whatever the hell that means.

Fast forward to college and I get slapped in the face with real-life freedom away from my parents, and out of state. I immediately realized no one else is going to cook my meals and buy me some new year clothes. (I’ll admit I was spoiled.) Also, I did have a meal plan so I wasn’t exactly cooking my meals. Some but not all.

Everything about my first year away at college was amazing don’t get me wrong. The people and places I went, I’ll never forget. There were experiences that I’d love to relive, and of course, there were experiences that I’d rather have wished not happened, but they did. All the while, I was infectiously happy at this period in my life. (It was a time period where I gained a lot of actual weight for the first time in a long time.)

At this time in my life, I was only living with one certain question in my head. “What am I going to do right now?” My freshman year was a constant grab-and-go. I was always on the move and I never really stayed in one place. This, in one part, makes me think that I was happy to always be constantly doing something whether it was studying at the library or laying in my friend’s dorm bed watching a Netflix show.

The main point was I was living in every single f****** moment like it was my very last hour. I didn’t once catch myself thinking of the past, regrets, different decisions I could’ve made (even the night I got shit-face drunk and threw up in my sink, the change in the decision would have been to not drink.) and experiences I wish I could’ve experienced. I was as happy as anyone could ever be (excluding the first time I got my period in college, the worst time of my life, first-ever cramp pain I got).

However, after a while, I started seeing this mentality fading away from me. And I gradually dug myself into another horrible time period. During this time, something new came into the picture or should I say someone very special came into the picture.

I realized that this question I was asking myself wasn’t serving me anymore. I found that I needed more than right now I needed to know my future was going to be okay that I was going to be okay. I wanted more. Somewhere along some lines, I felt my life wasn’t where it needed to be and some missing pieces were left unsatisfied. I’m still not sure why I was going through such a hard time then, even now, definitely something I need to unpack in some shadow work.

Anyway, back on topic. I wanted more out of my life. Then the thought came to me. How much I needed reassurance. There wasn’t any aspect of my life where I was feeling valued or appreciated. That’s all I can remember about getting out of that intense sadness. I was depending on simple reassurance to get through my emotions, and for the most part, it worked. Though the happy feeling was only temporary. I’d stay out with my friends, get good grades, then come home and still feel this emptiness.

This feeling lingered in my life for about one year during my sophomore year in college. I had to have difficult conversations in order to get out of this rough patch because I wasn’t only hurting myself but those around me, which is a really bad habit of mine when I’m nowhere near being mentally aware and stable.

Now, fast forward and it’s my third year at school. This is where I finally got a dorm space completely to myself, and while it was scary at first, I absolutely loved it to the end of its journey. To dip my toes in spirituality, I started with meditation. Now, I know everyone’s spiritual journey is different and not all may be tied to doing mediation or even yoga for that matter, but this is what was on the surface that I knew about.

(I first crossed paths with spiritualism on Youtube of course, where it was getting more publicity and Instagram I think too. I thought about giving it a try because why not? I needed something to hold true to myself)

I did 3 minutes, then 5, then 10 minutes mediations in the morning gradually adding minutes over time. Mind you that I also woke up at 6 am (yes, I loved being a morning person still kind of am) and after I did my yoga. I scheduled every minute of my life to the time I was literally going to brush my teeth at night. I’m kind of an obsessive organizational junkie. Don’t worry I’ve toned this down a bit but you know everyone has their quirks, right?

All these busy days, me doing something challenging or laid back kept me away from my thoughts. It’s almost like I purposely planned out all these tasks and events to steer away from any mindless, numbness thought that could have emerged. I was so worried if I stopped I’d be in my head. And at times I was and that’s perfectly normal but at the time I thought it wasn’t. I thought it was supposed to be all happy all the time.

This is what ultimately frustrated me. This idea I attached myself to that if I became spiritual I was supposed to be on my shit and know myself and what makes me happy. What I realizing now is that, that could have been a false start to my journey. Actually, I’m not really sure.

All I know is that I learned a lot about myself that year. And to be honest, I’m no where near close to fully figuring out every part of me, Every sliver, every hidden crack, all of it. I am more in tune with myself than I ever have been. And I know more so how to approach life and what I want from it.

The more I get into spiritually the more interested I became in the world again. I know that sounds so abstract and cliche but it’s true. I’m finding genuine happiness that streamlines from within me rather than trying to find it within something external, which was where I thought happiness came from. You know like friends and family.

It has to start with me.

This was basically a run down to how it happened. I’m still on this journey still learning the more I go. I really hope everyone can find significant access to themselves the way I’m doing because it really changes everything you know.

Sincerely,

J